Loner

My stomach feels empty, it’s like a deep hollow pit. When I whisper or shout,the only response I get is my echo.

Seems my ears grew cobwebs,I lost my sense of hearing decades ago. The laughter of the jackals and the clapping of the owls is all my mind remembers.

My eyes have fallen prey too. I can tell where I am no longer. Whatever direction I turn,it’s all dark. Fear is what paints my canvas dreams.

My hands have no muscles,I can’t feel my soul. What was once my heart  has now been replaced by a frozen rock. The pain has numbed my legs. I want to take no step at all.

My nose feels rotten. I can only tell the taste of gul. Bitter peels are what sits on my plate. I’m surrounded by a multitude but a great wall of my own making separates us. They are here,but I’m all alone.

A loner.

Done. Done?

Monday,

The way your body gets tired,the way your legs start carrying you to the opposite direction. The way your taste buds suddenly fail at the memory of the old times. 

The way your eyes roll when you meet people with that same name. The determination in your head that you are never going to turn. The way your lungs suddenly lack air when anyone suggests that you should consider going back.

Wednesday,

The maybe’s start. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should have listened. Maybe,I made a rush decision. Maybe I should have tried harder. Maybe, I’d be writing a different story. Maybe.

Friday,

You deserve to be happy. Take that dive. Try that new hobby. What’s wrong about owning a recipe book? You haven’t been to so many places,now is the time. What about the manuscript you left half way? Oh,did he just wink at you?

Saturday,

I promise to do better. I promise to buy the sun to light up your sky. I promise to name the next jet after you. I promise to build us a home on Venus. I promise to have Chan as your chauffeur. I promise…

Sunday,

Oh no…why is he putting her on his profile photo? Why did he move on so fast? Why does he look so happy? Why does he look better now? Would we be in a safer place now? Was it worth it? Is where I am the place I want to be? Questions…

Done. Done. Done?

“Give yourself time to let go. It will happen slowly then all at once”~Mitchaela

If you ever find yourself chosing between two, please pick the second.You wouldn’t be here if you really loved the first.

Dry laugh..

Everyone came,at least everyone she imagined would come. They all dressed elegantly except her( well that’s according to her own judgement). Her father all excited came to walk her down the aisle. She took his hand and gave a dry laugh.

It was get together celebration and all the family members had gathered. The in-laws were present too. Grandpa and Grandma were overwhelmed at the joy of seeing all the little kitties. Gloria still had no child and when anyone asked,she gave a dry laugh.

Mr.White was a hero. People referred to him as white the saint. He always showed up when there was trouble and just at the right time while at that. No wonder every lady longed to be his wife. Well, everyone but his actual wife. When asked why,she would give a dry laugh.

Those who thought they were closest to him gave narrations of who they thought he was. He sat and watched as they vouched for him. Deep down he knew they were wrong. He addressed the issue on ink but when they got it all wrong once again,he gave a dry laugh.

The all too familiar,dry laughs..

The Arrow…2

The arrow that goes into the heart

Does make you end up like the very people you hate

Today I sit down and I actually think I’m sitting on my heart that’s equally down

I am sad because yet again, I’m reminded of my cage

This cage looks nicely furnished and well supplied but it’s a cage all the same.

Or how else should I explain a place where I can move but that’s only when the master allows me to? My breathing is supervised and taking a deep breath is equivalent to insulting the man in uniform while you are launching in his compound.

Today,my Berry came. A surprise meant to bring me joy. Your guess is just as right,my heart danced. I couldn’t wait to be wrapped in my Berry’s arms. I wanted to be lost in my Berry’s eyes.

Briskly,I walked to the master. To somehow get the keys to my cage. I figured honesty would be my best ticket but lo and behold! I thought wrong.

I was slapped with a report on doubt,the weight of the pandemic,my irresponsible behavior and lectures on who knows what!

My knees were in shock,my teeth quaked,my eyes hurt,my heart sank. The master said I was free but not free. My luxurious cage was where I was meant to be and nowhere else. The arrow deep in my marrow.

Calling my Berry felt like drinking poison. How would I tell of my inability to leave the cage? How would I mouth the words,”go away?” How would I say I love my Berry when I smeared mad on the very gift? The arrow deep in my marrow.

Will I ever forgive my warden? Will I ever look back when I’m out of my cage?Well, between you and I,I will surely break out someday. Will I ever wear the shoes of my warden? Most importantly,will I ever get rid of this arrow?

Oh,the many times we hurt by loving and the many more we love by hurting. All this, unaware of the wounds we cause. Thinking we are giving our best.

Deep down,I can hear Alice Walker,”If you have to be anything, don’t be anything you don’t like.”

Why?

Why are tears so much larger in public than when you cry alone? 

Why does darkness  feel ‘safer’ than light?

Why does dating look so flushy up until you have your first quarrel?

Why does sex without commitments seem so appealing?

Why does “he is just a friend” become so painful when you see him hangout with other ladies?

Why does the heart seem to clap and dance when you look better than your exe’s current?

Why does your old man’s advice always sound so ‘outdated’ to your ears?

Why does walking in the light feel like a test when you are in public?

Why is it easier for a camel to enter through a pin hole?

Why is it harder for a rich man to enter God’s kingdom?

Why is it easier to forget about those who allowed you to step on their backs when you get to the top?

Why is it difficult for a human being to believe in the existence of God?

Why is it hard for man to choose God?

Why are you nodding to some if not all of the questions above?

Well,so why are you whispering to yourself that you somehow don’t agree with or care about any of the questions?

I submit to you that the answer to any of the question above has sin at its root. 

You’ll get to the same conclusion when you are done debating. In the event that you don’t, please remember that the answer is still sin.

Arrow…1

The pain when it strikes

The paralysis it brings, whatever the length of time

The wound that I’m left attending to

The cost of ensuring it stays clean to avoid reinfection

The agony when the healing scar is pierced yet again.

The long nights trying to balm it

The make up I keep wearing to hide the scar

All this time,I didn’t realize that I am to blame

Yes,I am the very person who gives you the arrows

Those very ones that you use on me

I am the one who let’s you in on the composition of the the deadly poison

No wonder when you shoot,it never misses the aim

I have given you the power to kill me slowly yet surely

All this by using this small organ that calls my body home

My tongue!

Hushed tones ..2

“Why drink and drive, while you can smoke and fly”

It is easy to get in, the highway has no speed limit.The police are ‘off  duty’

Your sports car will be cruising at a breaking record altitude and you the Captain will be making merry as your grave beckons

The traffic lights and road sign warnings will make no sense, you’ll be so blinded to notice them. Soon,you will ask, why should you drink and drive while you can smoke and fly?

The hostesses on your plane will keep getting prettier with every mile. Your now blurry vision won’t notice their bloody fangs.

The wine they serve, clouds your judgement. You will keep asking for a refill. Little do you know my fellow sojourner that You can’t have a slice, without paying for the loaf. 

Free things aren’t free at all. The handouts are only for the beginners,the cost is met by the members. Soon enough, you’ll be the one to pay as a newcomer is being ushered in.

By then,your heart will be frozen. Feeding on the same trough with them pigs will be your buffet. So deep in the pit,you can’t see light of the day. You will want out but the walls of this cursed pit will be more slippery than you think.

How else should I warn you Sojourner, porn is addictive! Don’t take that route!!!

One way.

I am a farmer. (Well,at least by heart)So,I own large tracks of land. None of them is really mine but don’t I help in planting by throwing a few seeds as I walk past the tracks?

I like watching plants grow. Bean seeds germinating have a special spot in my heart. It’s like I have a 3D eye when it comes to their growth ever since they are placed underneath.

How does it feel for them to grow and change form so radically? The way they open their skins and allow water to penetrate them fully untill they are split assunder to make way for new life.

Oh,the pride they must feel as the tip of the first root emerged from inside them. The humility with which they accept the loss of their previous form. The bravery with which they show the world their first leaves.

Wouldn’t you love being that simple seed? Not to have to explain to anyone what is growing inside you?  To show your fertile belly without laying yourself open to societies’ disapproval?

I know you crave that girlfriend but just like me,if you are not the ‘owner’ to the track of land,sex outside marriage is SIN. Yes,sex is a gift given by God to be enjoyed within marriage between a man and a woman. When God’s word is the standard, there’s no flip side to that.

This was inspired from reading like hot water for choclate by Laura Esquivel.

Take it.

Sometimes I feel like just walking away and never coming back,
Sometimes I desperately want to go home
Sometimes I want to dive from the highest board,
Sometimes I wanna scream to the deaf
Actually, many times Lord
 
I give up
Take it all
I’m tired of trying to fix it all
Catch me Lord, can’t hold it anymore
 
Sometimes I want to go blind and stop seeing all that surrounds me
Sometimes I want to be on an eating competition with the swine
Sometimes I want to change my gender
Sometimes I want to freeze into a rock
Actually, many times Lord
 
I give up
Take it all
I can’t take it anymore
Catch me Lord, I can hold no more
 
Sometimes I want to fly
Sometimes I want to run even from myself
Sometimes I want to walk away from it all
Sometimes I crawl all the way into the pit
Actually, many times Lord
 
I give up
Enough of trusting in self-made images
Enough of leaning on my own understanding
Actually Lord, you leave me, I crush.
I give up!
 









	

Yesterday,this time tomorrow.

He saved me,
He saves me,
He will save me.
His will,not mine!

I cry…

This time yesterday,I was on my way to mourning. Every ounce of my being knew I was counting hours to calling it off. I planned and tried watering the flowers that would give me the much needed strength to keep moving.

I dance…

This time yesterday,I received news that pappy had breathed his last. That momma had developed pressure.That granny had joined pappy. That my contract was about to be called off.

I draw…

This time yesterday,I was mapping out the future without the lilies that once felt home. I was packing bags to the wondrous ozone. I was putting down fantasies of the Queen bee.

I fly…

This time yesterday,I was in the arms of the Berry I call home. One sent from the Blues. My heart once made of stone, raced as my body danced slowly to his rhythm. I had my eyes closed because I didn’t want to miss out on the star game.

I fall…

This time tomorrow, I’ll be on it again. Mapping out what takes my pants off. Hammering down the nails that stand out. Dancing my way into growth in obedience. Shedding tears on memories past and present. Writing down vows to self. Drawing smiles on your faces.

I live in the now,I learn from the past,I put confidence in the one who holds them all.

I laugh

I rise up

I take rest

I write

I bleed

I breathe

Because He enables me to.

He saved me

He saves me

He will save me.

His death,my life

His wounds,my freedom

His disgrace,my acceptance

His will,not mine.